安 ~ Peaceful, calm, safe, quiet, secure, tranquil, serene.
Annie passed away this afternoon and is finally at eternal rest. She ended her walk in this life with grace and full of love up till her final step.
At noon, she touched her ring finger and asked for the little thing. And the thing to keep warm. I fetched her wedding ring to put on her finger; and the fleece coat that she’s lounged in at home all these years, the Christmas gift from the year we got engaged.
Alert yesterday, over a period in the morning and at lunch hour, she had moments of smiles and clarity. Even jokes, using phrases like “patient driven” in english and “hey, terminal lucidity” in cantonese. It is a blessing that she was not deep in hypoactive delirium and encephalopathy for long, and thus few challenging days for her. She got to live out a sunset that allowed as much clarity and vibrancy as possible till a shorter steeper decline curve, rather than a long slow clouded one.
In the afternoon, she started expressing a difficulty with breathing; yes it is a nervous sound to hear. Despite that, she aroused with enough lucidity to let know she knew it was time, and replied that she was not afraid, and not in pain.
And in one of her bigger gasps of air, she calls me by our affectionate nickname, gathers the strength to position her arms to ask for a hug, and hugging me, says in mandarin, “Say it one more time.”
“From the weekend about where you dreamed?”
“Mmm,” she nodded by the side of my head.
I wish you serenity, I wish you peace.
I wish you joy, I wish you happiness.
I wish you calm. I wish you comfort.
I wish you love.
~ to Annie
~
Shortly after, her breathing slowed to a calm shallow pace, I snuggled onto the bed beside her and sat there with her till she gently completed her journey in this world.
She gets bathed one last time, gently and softly. Her regular lotion applied as she would herself each evening in normal daily life, and her hair brushed one last time.
Her calm and beautiful face leaves me the same assurance of peace that she has brought to my life, our lives. Each contemplation here is soaked in a stream of sadness. And sharing this post is difficult, because I know this results in a shared grief among all the wonderful people who have been graced by her beautiful soul. Thank you. For all the kindness and love you have given her and I all along this journey. We have felt very grateful. Those of you who have traveled along, stepped close, walked close, or drawn close in spirit from afar; for a chapter or for the whole journey. In this life, you have made someone know very deeply that she was loved; you made Annie’s life beautiful.
In the peaceful currents that eddy gently around us and carry her to another place, the sense of gratitude is ever present. She wears the dress that has been with her on adventures throughout the world; and now to roam the heavens. Despite eighteen years of cancer dealings, a good life, a good death, a serene afterlife.
With my beautiful half away to her forever, my promise of love fulfilled, I turn to face the tall waves of emotions that have only managed to push me to one knee on occasion. This time, they crescendo and overwhelm me, forcing me to yield.
I am torn apart. I am bereft.
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…in plenty and in want; in joy and in sorrow; in sickness and in health; as long as we both shall live.
~ vows, 2001
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prewritten: this blog will continue to update for awhile without email updates. to grieve and to share resources from the past eighteen years that may help others.
I am sorry.
I’m so sorry my friend.
We are so sorry. We are praying for you Siang.
Thank you for sharing your journey. We grieve with you with unspoken words and tears
💕
Auntyd
My friend, thanks for sharing your life and love with us. Annie will always be in my mind and heart.
Annie will always be in our hearts. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Oh, Siang… I'm grieving with you, and praying for you… You and Annie have shown us what love truly looks like. I'm so sorry.
I am sorry Siang. My heart is broken for you and Annie, thanks for sharing your journey with us. Annie, is deeply loved by you, her friends and family, you have shown us, not in words, but in action, what love truly is. Love have so much strength and endurance in it and you just showed us and the world.
I have been meaning to tell this conversation I had with Erin with you but not able to and don't know how. But I am sharing this with you now and hope you can find some strength and comfort from the mouth of a young child. I was sad about Annie and were tearing up the other day. Erin came and asked me what had happened. I shared with her and her little eyes looked at me and said "mommy, I once read a book that said when people leave this world, they are simply crossing the rainbow to the other side and we will all meet each other again. The book also said people leave this world when their life purpose is fulfilled. Maybe Auntie Annie has already understand what life is and she has fulfilled her purpose in this life?"
I was tearing up when she told me this but then I understand what my little girl said through seeing the love between you and Annie. Annie come and show us what love is, what is a true friendship, she show us kindness, she is always graceful and kind. Annie is always kind. I begin to wonder maybe Erin is correct, she show us the purpose of life is to love and be loved, just like how you had loved her.
No amount of condolences and words can fill out this empty hole now in your heart, but I want you to know that you are not alone and we are grieving with you. She came, she showed us what is love. She will forever be remembered in my memory.
I am really sorry. Big hugs.
Oh Siang. My heart goes out to you…
Oh Siang, I am so sorry to hear about Annie's passing. My heart is aching for you. Sending healing prayers and comforting hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.
You and Annie really lived out the vows of a lifetime. Thank you for letting us be part of Annie's life and sharing her gentle spirit and kindness through and through. She will be forever missed, and yet, we have this glorious hope to be reunited with her again. She is only one step ahead of us.
Dear Siang, so sorry to hear this and thank you for sharing your life’s journey with the love of your life. Our prayers are with you.
Payers and thoughts to you and your family, Siang. Our deepest condolences and sympathy for your loss. Annie will always be in our hearts. Momo remembers how special the visit to you and Annie was a few summers ago and we feel fortunate to have that experience. Please take care.
Dear Siang – Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey with Annie. We grieve with you and will continue to pray for you. We praise God for Annie and the race she has completed! May God's peace and comfort be with you! – Victor & Betty Lee
Words cannot express my sorrow. Annie is one of the kindest person I met. She helped me a lot when I came to this country. I will never forget her words of comfort and laughing. My heart is with you, Siang. Thank you and take care.
Eva
Siang, I'm so sorry. Your words and memories are incredibly moving. Wishing peace and love for you and all of Annie's loved ones.
Dear Siang — Thank you for posting this. I am so sad and sorry to hear this. I never met you but I knew Annie in SnoKing Chorale. Also I think she had taken a class in the business school with my husband years before.
I had the pleasure of going downtown to see Carmina Burana with her. We went to a restaurant for lunch beforehand and we got to talk for a long time. She explained all about living in Korea and even about the good medical care there. We had a really nice time. I asked her what her favorite food was? Chinese food. Okay!
Thank you for the thoughtful and gentle way that you wrote this. It really touched my heart and my sympathy is with you.
Ann
Siang,
You have been a faithful and courageous husband to Annie. May you too have peace as you mourn. My prayers go out for you.
Elton
Thank you for sharing your journey and the beautiful life so full of love you shared with Annie. May you be wrapped in love and find peace in the beautiful memories shared by all who knew her.
Having known grief I will add a quote that spoke deeply to me after loss.
"Grief follows me like thread in a needle; everything I do is stitched with its color"
That color will at times be bright for everyone to see and at times it will be near invisible and blend in so that a stranger would not notice. But, it will always be there. Annie will always be there, adding strength and depth to everything you face.
Siang, sorry to hear about her passing. Thanks for sharing the journey. You have been a model of love and dedication for us. We know Annie is in a better place with the Lord but it is the living that continue to grief. May the peace and love of Jesus comfort you. Keeping you in prayers.
Deepest condolences. What a beautiful, loving and heartfelt tribute. I wish you peace and comfort.
Annie,
I am so sorry to hear. You will always on my heart.
I love you and her xxx
Siang – I found this incredibly touching. Thank you for sharing and you will be in my prayers. Annie was an amazing teammate and generous and kind soul. She will be missed.
I share your grief.
Annie and I went to business school together in UW. I will always remember Annie’s warm smile and calm demeanor. I also remember visiting your home where she shared that you both were so busy during the weekdays so you do “mass cooking” during weekends. Memory of many little things, in each of them I still see the light in her eyes and hear her voice. She is so beautiful. I will miss her. – Vivian Liu
Siang, peace to you my friend. Hugs.
Beautiful love, my friend. Hugs and comfort.
Dear Siang,
It has been too long. But not too long to forget your friendship years ago when way back when you were our church counselor! Annie was so sweet, so kind and just beautiful inside and out. I remember climbing together and thank you for sharing so openly and honestly about this journey you never wanted to start. Hugs and prayers, and please know we are thinking about you from Boston.
My deepest condolences to you, Siang, and all your family and friends. Siang, thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts and words with us. Annie and I were in the UW MBA program together and I only have good memories of her, fun conversations, and participating in MBA school activities together. I met you a couple of times during the program, but I'm sure that is a distant memory. I had always wanted to be better friends with Annie, but life after the MBA program took us to different paths, and I regret that. Like everyone else, I remember her kindness and beautiful soul, so when I read the news of her passing, it hit me hard. I send my heartfelt prayers for Annie and for you and your family.
Sorry to hear about the passing of Annie. Annie and I were classmate in secondary school in HK for a short while. I still remember her smile when I first met her.
We both went to US to study, but in different States. I visited her a couple of times back then on school holidays. She was my friendly tour guide in Seattle. She had the same smile as I met her the first time, when she brought me around.
We had meals together, when she visited Singapore a couple of times. We chatted about everything. She had the same smile as I met her the first time when she talked to me about her treatment.
I check out her Facebook posts and photos from time to time and see that she had the same smile as I met her for the first time.
Annie brought me to drink my first Starbucks coffee, and I will always remember her smile when I drink one …the same smile as I met her for the first time.
May she rest in peace @}}>——
Annie was a dear friend through Bible Study Fellowship. Thank you for sharing your journey through this very sad time. May you experience God's great comfort as you grieve.
Annie was so nice to me! Three years ago I was new in the Bible Study Group. She showed me her kindness and asked me if I liked to drink a cup of coffee with her in a Austria coffee. Even she endured physical pain, but she was always optimistic and full of thankfulness to God. That really impacts me so deeply!
Sorry to hear your loss. She will be myvheart forever. ❤️
Hi Siang, this is climber-Christian from Norway. I cried reading this post. My heart goes out to you and I hope you will find a path forward were life still feels worth living.